“…I want to go to bed with arms around me, but wake up on my own”

I don’t know how long it has been since I visited here, but I am drawn to come back for a bit. Clear some of the cob webs that have gathered over the last few years. I glanced at my last few entries. The broken heart and the financial goals of a girl with only herself to count on and nothing else but a prayer. I was naive, but I fought and fought so hard that I managed to come out on top through the literal “blood sweat and tears”. I didn’t have time to document it all, I was too busy fighting for my life.

Well, I can whole heartily say that I achieved those scary overwhelming financial goals. I worked my butt off at 3 jobs, I still do, and I own a beautiful home, and have financial stability. Still a bit of debt, but indeed very manageable and soon to be gone. I have a well funded savings account and I travel the world at what can be perceived by some in a moment’s notice. I say ‘yes’ to life and go where it takes me. It took me to this place.

The heart, well the heart is still somewhat of work in progress. This heart of mine that has been through an unprecedented amount of bursting still manages to put itself together and swell up. Admittedly after the blast of 2012, it is rare but it does swell up with hope knowing full well that it is impossible to avoid the combustion that results when the hastily sewn stitches, when it pieced itself back together from the last time, let go.

Flat on the ground. Heart bleeding. Hope spilled everywhere mixed with tears. After all these years, still the girl drinking wine from your cup sleeping in yesterday’s sheets.

Why? Is it even worth asking?

How many times am I going to try to learn the lesson Teacher Disappointment is trying to teach me? Yes. It takes a lot less pressure now to cause the combustion. The stitches are  wearing thin after this many operations.

For most part, I can sit back and know exactly when and what will happen. I know how it will play out before it even starts. I know the minute our eyes lock where it will go, usually a harmless game of cat and mouse, wham bam thank you sir. But, although very rarely, hope starts building. I knew it the moment I shook your hand before I even looked into your eyes.

There is a song by Dido …”I want to go to bed with arms around me, but wake up on my own….pretend I am still sleeping ’till you go home…I should probably have a sign, leave right now or quicker”. This is true 99.9% of the time. I have pretended to fall asleep one too many times. Literally. Silently screaming for the body beside me to find its way home.

Unless it is ‘hope’ I have no interest. I say thank you, sometimes silently, and expect to have room to sleep starfish-formation-on-the-diagonal in my queen size bed. I don’t mix this with hope. I love my space. I have little time. I don’t want distraction.

I wonder why for some people, I know it can’t be just me, it appears incomprehensible to meet a good simple man and have a good simple life together. Although it will be great, simple is not part of my equation. Simple will be simply too simple. I know this, but wouldn’t it be simply nice? Why do I instead live in a romantic comedy that ends right after the boy meets girl, boy-girl develop feelings, a relationship test happens…. I never get to the boy-girl find their way back to each other and live happily ever after? Or perhaps it is the other “lets be friends” plot, where boy likes girl, girl likes boy but both are too darn afraid of the consequence of messing up the friendship to stand up for the possibility of the unknown.

In the movie, you would come back, I would ask what you forgot, you will kiss me and tell me that’s what you forgot.

In real life I sit there imagining the happy ending.

After all these years I live in the fairyland in my head. Where happily ever after is the center of the universe and I am not in an empty bed surrounded by pillows pretending to be warmed by what could be.

This time it is differently. I didn’t know what to expect. I still don’t. I was apprehensive. I didn’t take the chance I would have if I was the girl that started writing here in 2011. I took into consideration the impact of rejection. I played the worst cast scenario in my head and instead of my characteristic jump head first approach I pulled back. I had a glimpse of the home that your arms can provide. I know it was there, but instead I chose the distance, cautious of the worst case scenario. This seemed to not be the right time. Not for you. Not for me. We are just not there yet.

I let it develop over time. I let it grow and stop and grow bigger. Hope. Yes, naive and childish and strong. I can walk this earth alone one step at a time and yet I begin again giving hope to hope. My hesitation was shared along side the hope and home.

After all this time, still Sleeping Beauty waiting for her Prince… although I caught myself being like Rapunzel looking down wishing you were the one looking back up.

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Should I wake this blog up?

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Online Dating Pet Peeves

Because you need to avoid these people:

1. Pictures in the mirror. – Show me that you have a life. I am sure you get out of your room from time to time.

2. Pictures with a girl cropped out. – Seriously I totally cannot see that little bit of blond hair resting on your shoulder.

3. Your profile looks like it is written like a bad text message or you use a Capital Letter For Every Word – really really annoying!

4. You classify yourself as ‘athletic and toned’ but under exercising you put ‘never’ and you really look like you had one too many dates with a keg.

5. Your first message to me is “cool me your#”.

6. You say that you are trying online dating for the first time, but I have seen your profile on 3 different sites for the last few years.

7. All of your pictures are staged and you look like a bad impersonation of Zoolander. – show me that you have a real life.

8. Stop flexing shirtless in the mirror.- Nice to look at for a second and nice to go on one date with.

9. You have a different hair style in every picture – if you can’t commit to one hair style how can you commit to me.

10.  You keep sending me messages even after I have told you nicely that I have ‘met someone else’.

And I am compiling another 10 bad online pick up lines list. To go with these 2 posts

Online Dating Pick Up Lines

Part 2: Online Dating Pick Up Lines

Posted in canada, dating, girl, life, life dating canada single shopping, living, love, online dating, relationship, single | Tagged | 3 Comments

Getting Back “on the Horse”

Well, since I have once again entered the single girl weeds, I signed up for online dating on my favourite site: Match.com. To be honest I was absolutely positive I wouldn’t ever have to do this again, but never say never and here I am.

Some may think it is too early to get back “on the horse” at 18 days past break up, but I need to be concrete in the fact that I have to move on. There is no other way to do this but throw myself out there. Prior to my last relationship I was used to casually dating 2-3 people, I had a back up for my back up date. This meant I never really let myself think too much when a date didn’t work out.

To be perfectly honest, I have no interest in dating anyone. There is this strange numbness that is covering me like a blanket. I am not interested in a relationship, even a casual one. My heart has a bf, even if my mind knows that ended 18 days ago.

Yes I want my bf back, but the man I was in love with a few months ago, not the man that destroyed my heart and literally blew up my world. So in that sense, even when I go back to crying my eyes out, like I did last Thursday, I know there is nothing that can fix what has happened. What is done is done. I am not sitting here waiting for him to come back, I am trying to make myself move forward. Sometimes at 3am it helps me to sooth myself back to sleep by telling myself he will come back, but this is less and less needed with every night.

Is online dating the best thing I can do right now? I don’t know. Am I going to meet someone worth my time? I don’t know. But in true, SingleToThePenny fashion I am going to persevere and just put myself out there.

“Believe in fate, but lean forward where fate can see you”

Posted in canada, dating, friendship, girl, life dating canada single shopping, living, love, motivation, online dating, relationship, single | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

It’s my third job.

When a hobby is no longer a hobby but your third job…

If you have been following along you would know that from time to time I reference my Etsy shop and how well it is doing. Also if you want to know more about it, just scoot over to my Twitter account: @Single2thepenny where I regularly update on all the aspects of my life.

I started it years ago when I was still in university; it was a little creative outlet for me. During my last year of school I was really happy that almost every month I earned enough to pay for the interest on my student credit line. And for the last few years it pretty much paid for supplies.  Which by definition of Revenue Canada is a hobby and no profit is made, thus it does not need to be declared for tax purposes.

Last year I decided to start playing with metal stamping and boom in August wedding season hit and my shop became a prime destination for bridal orders. At that point someone from Chatelaine magazine found my shop and asked me to send samples for their 2012 Holiday guide.  My little monogrammed cufflinks were both in print (I must frame that!) and online. And to my surprise November and early December were insane with orders. To my surprise so far January sales are the highest over, only second to November. And this, my friends, now means this girl must declare her income for tax purposes.

Yep I have to do my own accounting…. Lucky I am a certified accountant!

Here is what I have learned:

  • I must file a T2125 form on my taxes.
  • I found out I don’t have to register my business since I am the sole proprietor and as long as I file under my name I will be fine.
  • HST must be charged if you earn over $30K in gross income from any for profit venture. It must be over one year or four consecutive quarters.  Between my 2 part time jobs, I am floating right under that mark for 2012. I am considering it since it will be nice to get the HST back on supplies. Because my full time job and one part time job are linked, they will now start putting my side hustle on my pay stub and thus I will directly pay taxes on it and it will no longer qualify for HST.

Here are some reasons why I am opting out of registering for an HST number for now:

  • I don’t anticipate to have gross sales exceed $30K this year (I hope I am wrong).
  • Most of my sales are outside of Canada and don’t qualify for tax.
  • Most of my supplies come from foreign sources and I don’t pay tax on them.
  • It’s a lot of paper work
  • If I do exceed the $30k HST will be due retroactively. Lucky for me my sales are outside of Canada and I can charge back taxes on my side hustle if I need to.

Here are some reasons why I may want to register for HST:

  • Get the taxes back on shipping expenses, my largest expense.
  • There is a chance, may be slim, I will exceed the threshold and need to pay retroactive tax


But that’s really it.


From now on I am going to add the income I take out of the business every month to my total side hustle and would like to see how it adds up.

Posted in budgeting, canada, cash management, extra income, finances, life, personal finance, rules, side income, tax, tax planning, tax refund, taxes | Leave a comment

Goal Keeper Update! January Edition

Time for my favourite update!!!

Nothing like seeing your pay cheque come in and out in a matter of minutes, but every penny has it’s purpose!

Net worth: +45%!!!!

Debt Free: 41% (the first 10% took me all of 2011) Change of -4%.

+ $722 Side income 7% of goal
+ $1,531 School/house fund @61% of goal
+$487Travel Fund @20% of goal
+$223 Emergency Fund @63% of goal

Well 2013 started with a flippin’ bang! Hello heartbreak monster, goodbye 4% of debt. Ha! I have to summarize my 2013 goals and post them, as well as update the side goal keeper but hey hey, heart broken or not sh*ts got to get done, debt has to be paid, savings saved and all that jazz!

It is a triple pay month and for the first time in history I managed to put that extra pay exactly where I wanted it to go: towards debt hence the 4% boom!  This makes me very happy about my financial situation and that I am actually in control!

I also passed my 3 month probation at my new job and received a small raise. I am now getting paid almost as much as at my previous job, but because of better benefits and retirement package, I net almost an extra $170 more a pay!

I am now 47% more worthy than last month!! As my net worth continues to grow the % will be drastic as the base number will be low and any increase will mean a great jump.  I am attacking my debt and at the same time saving and this will result in some fantastical growth numbers in the near future. Currently my debt free date is Oct 2014 (including car) but I am hoping to do it by Feb 2014 (My 30th birthday yakes). At this point I don’t even know when I will be dept free, as I said one month at a time. I am now over 1/3 of the way there and truly hope the next the next 2/3 only take 2 more years.

Posted in budgeting, canada, cash management, debt, debt repayment, emergency fund, extra income, finances, goal keeper, personal finance | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

When a relationship ends…

When a relationship ends is similar to the death of someone close to you. You nurture the relationship, you feed it, you care for it and you see it grow with each day. You see it develop and you start having high hopes for its future. You see its capabilities and you see how it will turn out into something great. There are times when it annoys you, when you need to ground it and distance yourself, but you love it and you come back to it after the lesson is learned. There are growing pains but you get through them.

One day you see it fades a little.  You pour more love into it. Then it gets sick, but it is still capable of running around. Then it gets really sick. You can’t walk away because it has become a big part of who you are, you have poured your being into it. It dies. You resuscitate it by some magic. You build hope and happiness again for your magical second chance. And then one day it dies. It dies and it sucks away all of your hope and trust.

It dies and it leaves you hallow. The void becomes larger with every day instead of smaller. It is larger because this was not an ordinary relationship. This was not an ordinary hope of something better, this was it. You hoped this was it.

I know that I gave it my all. I gave my whole soul to make this work. I put all of myself into it. I also know, even he said so, that nobody will ever love him or treat him like I do. I know he will never find anyone better than me for him. I don’t have regrets about this; there is nothing I wish I did differently. I know that he will always compare anyone he dates to me.

The thing is he treated me pretty damn incredibly, too.

It may be cliché but I know it wasn’t me, it was him. I still believe that this is him projecting life circumstances onto our relationship. I know that a divorce is even harder on grown children. It makes them reevaluate their own lives and relationships. It makes them scared to commit. I know that injury and frustrations with your own health can make it impossible to find happiness in other things, this is extremely common with long distance runners.  This unhappiness can also be linked to a certain degree of depression.

I am a rational person. And I know when it is over. I know not to let myself become a mess of tears and desperation. I have gone through 28 years without this person in my life, and I have been happy, sad, independent, strong, weak, and successful without him there. And yet that strong woman I was/am is lost and cannot find the path back to the road I was on. One of the reasons is that the path has been widened to fit two people, not one.

With reflection and perspective I realize that maybe it was not the Man I love but the possibility of the relationship that I am in love with:  Of all the puzzle pieces fitting together finally, even though a few were missing. Except I ignored the ones that were missing, because I was focused on the big picture.

Letting myself become part of this dream was one of the hardest things I had to do. For a long time I resisted the relationship of becoming such a big part of who I am. It was his words: “you don’t have to do this alone anymore” that turned me. I allowed myself to fall in. Except now giving up on this dream is actually the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I work 3 different jobs, I work out, I spend time with my friends (be it less while I was with him), he never was my entire life. He was a big part of my life that I chose to make a priority. Was that a mistake, to make our relationship a priority?

It was interesting that in the 17 days he was away I was enjoying my time alone. I reverted back to my routine, to my single girl days. And I liked it. I was ok if he decided to stay longer. I missed him but I didn’t MISS him, no cry in the corner that he is not here type thing. I knew he was coming home soon, and I was ok to live my life. I didn’t feel a void of him not being here. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t miss him as much as I thought I should, but I also don’t believe one person should be the end all of your life. He said that he knew he didn’t love me because he didn’t feel that ‘void’ during our time apart. I love him but there was no void for me either.

In the last few days, several friends have told me that they had not seen me as happy as I was when he was thousands of miles away. Apparently I was ‘glowing’ and smiling a lot more. I thought I was feeling good because I was seeing hope that things between us were getting better, but now I don’t know. Was I happy because I was doing the things that made me so content and comfortable before him?

Time. It’s funny because that is all I hear right now. With time everything gets better. Yes I agree. I wish I was on the other side of the tunnel. I know that the nausea I feel when I think about life right now will go away. I know I will stop having to give myself a pep talk before I try to force down food. I know that it won’t take me five hours to eat a bagel the next time I try to eat one or 45 minutes to eat a bowl of oatmeal. Tomorrow morning it may take me only 40 minutes.

A big part of me wishes I never met him. If I never met him or let this relationship happen I will not be feeling like this right now. I will not be in this excruciating physical and emotional pain.

But also, I would have never experienced the happiness I had with him. I wouldn’t have grown into the person I am today. He helped me pull out of the head spin I was in and calm down. He helped me stay calm and prioritize instead of doing everything at once. He helped me relax. He showed me that I can love. He showed me how to be in a strong, healthy relationship again. How to stop the head games, manipulation and play of dating instead focus on a simple clean relationship. He showed me what to expect from a relationship. I learned that when I am with the right person, I am loyal, I am caring, and I am capable of treating him like a King. Now, I know what I want and most importantly what I need.

Part of me will hold on to the fact that I love him and feel like he is my soul mate. That part of me will forever hold on to the fact that he felt the same about me. I want that part to exist, because I want to know that I never gave up, no matter what happens in the future.

I just wish that he stayed in love with me.

I am scared that I will never trust again. I managed to gain the trust in myself to love, and not be scared of falling out of love again. And now, the opposite has happened of my worst fear, he stopped loving me. How do I trust a man to tell me that he loves me and then a few days later turn around and stop? How do I trust again, not only myself but also the other person? I know I will put one foot in front of the other and move on. Life will calm down. But I know that I will not let myself love like this again. I will never let myself fall this hard again. This makes me even sadder, because I would love to feel the love I have for him again. And yet this experience will close me down. This pain will leave scars all over me, visible scars, and I cannot do anything to prevent that from happening. This was the first time  I have had my heart broken and it will be the last.

Thank you for making me the happiest girl in the world for the past year and I love you. I want you to be happy and find what you are looking for and for it to last a life time.

Posted in canada, dating, friendship, girl, life, life dating canada single shopping, living, love, relationship, setback, single | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments