I don’t know how long it has been since I visited here, but I am drawn to come back for a bit. Clear some of the cob webs that have gathered over the last few years. I glanced at my last few entries. The broken heart and the financial goals of a girl with only herself to count on and nothing else but a prayer. I was naive, but I fought and fought so hard that I managed to come out on top through the literal “blood sweat and tears”. I didn’t have time to document it all, I was too busy fighting for my life.
Well, I can whole heartily say that I achieved those scary overwhelming financial goals. I worked my butt off at 3 jobs, I still do, and I own a beautiful home, and have financial stability. Still a bit of debt, but indeed very manageable and soon to be gone. I have a well funded savings account and I travel the world at what can be perceived by some in a moment’s notice. I say ‘yes’ to life and go where it takes me. It took me to this place.
The heart, well the heart is still somewhat of work in progress. This heart of mine that has been through an unprecedented amount of bursting still manages to put itself together and swell up. Admittedly after the blast of 2012, it is rare but it does swell up with hope knowing full well that it is impossible to avoid the combustion that results when the hastily sewn stitches, when it pieced itself back together from the last time, let go.
Flat on the ground. Heart bleeding. Hope spilled everywhere mixed with tears. After all these years, still the girl drinking wine from your cup sleeping in yesterday’s sheets.
Why? Is it even worth asking?
How many times am I going to try to learn the lesson Teacher Disappointment is trying to teach me? Yes. It takes a lot less pressure now to cause the combustion. The stitches are wearing thin after this many operations.
For most part, I can sit back and know exactly when and what will happen. I know how it will play out before it even starts. I know the minute our eyes lock where it will go, usually a harmless game of cat and mouse, wham bam thank you sir. But, although very rarely, hope starts building. I knew it the moment I shook your hand before I even looked into your eyes.
There is a song by Dido …”I want to go to bed with arms around me, but wake up on my own….pretend I am still sleeping ’till you go home…I should probably have a sign, leave right now or quicker”. This is true 99.9% of the time. I have pretended to fall asleep one too many times. Literally. Silently screaming for the body beside me to find its way home.
Unless it is ‘hope’ I have no interest. I say thank you, sometimes silently, and expect to have room to sleep starfish-formation-on-the-diagonal in my queen size bed. I don’t mix this with hope. I love my space. I have little time. I don’t want distraction.
I wonder why for some people, I know it can’t be just me, it appears incomprehensible to meet a good simple man and have a good simple life together. Although it will be great, simple is not part of my equation. Simple will be simply too simple. I know this, but wouldn’t it be simply nice? Why do I instead live in a romantic comedy that ends right after the boy meets girl, boy-girl develop feelings, a relationship test happens…. I never get to the boy-girl find their way back to each other and live happily ever after? Or perhaps it is the other “lets be friends” plot, where boy likes girl, girl likes boy but both are too darn afraid of the consequence of messing up the friendship to stand up for the possibility of the unknown.
In the movie, you would come back, I would ask what you forgot, you will kiss me and tell me that’s what you forgot.
In real life I sit there imagining the happy ending.
After all these years I live in the fairyland in my head. Where happily ever after is the center of the universe and I am not in an empty bed surrounded by pillows pretending to be warmed by what could be.
This time it is differently. I didn’t know what to expect. I still don’t. I was apprehensive. I didn’t take the chance I would have if I was the girl that started writing here in 2011. I took into consideration the impact of rejection. I played the worst cast scenario in my head and instead of my characteristic jump head first approach I pulled back. I had a glimpse of the home that your arms can provide. I know it was there, but instead I chose the distance, cautious of the worst case scenario. This seemed to not be the right time. Not for you. Not for me. We are just not there yet.
I let it develop over time. I let it grow and stop and grow bigger. Hope. Yes, naive and childish and strong. I can walk this earth alone one step at a time and yet I begin again giving hope to hope. My hesitation was shared along side the hope and home.
After all this time, still Sleeping Beauty waiting for her Prince… although I caught myself being like Rapunzel looking down wishing you were the one looking back up.