When a relationship ends is similar to the death of someone close to you. You nurture the relationship, you feed it, you care for it and you see it grow with each day. You see it develop and you start having high hopes for its future. You see its capabilities and you see how it will turn out into something great. There are times when it annoys you, when you need to ground it and distance yourself, but you love it and you come back to it after the lesson is learned. There are growing pains but you get through them.
One day you see it fades a little. You pour more love into it. Then it gets sick, but it is still capable of running around. Then it gets really sick. You can’t walk away because it has become a big part of who you are, you have poured your being into it. It dies. You resuscitate it by some magic. You build hope and happiness again for your magical second chance. And then one day it dies. It dies and it sucks away all of your hope and trust.
It dies and it leaves you hallow. The void becomes larger with every day instead of smaller. It is larger because this was not an ordinary relationship. This was not an ordinary hope of something better, this was it. You hoped this was it.
I know that I gave it my all. I gave my whole soul to make this work. I put all of myself into it. I also know, even he said so, that nobody will ever love him or treat him like I do. I know he will never find anyone better than me for him. I don’t have regrets about this; there is nothing I wish I did differently. I know that he will always compare anyone he dates to me.
The thing is he treated me pretty damn incredibly, too.
It may be cliché but I know it wasn’t me, it was him. I still believe that this is him projecting life circumstances onto our relationship. I know that a divorce is even harder on grown children. It makes them reevaluate their own lives and relationships. It makes them scared to commit. I know that injury and frustrations with your own health can make it impossible to find happiness in other things, this is extremely common with long distance runners. This unhappiness can also be linked to a certain degree of depression.
I am a rational person. And I know when it is over. I know not to let myself become a mess of tears and desperation. I have gone through 28 years without this person in my life, and I have been happy, sad, independent, strong, weak, and successful without him there. And yet that strong woman I was/am is lost and cannot find the path back to the road I was on. One of the reasons is that the path has been widened to fit two people, not one.
With reflection and perspective I realize that maybe it was not the Man I love but the possibility of the relationship that I am in love with: Of all the puzzle pieces fitting together finally, even though a few were missing. Except I ignored the ones that were missing, because I was focused on the big picture.
Letting myself become part of this dream was one of the hardest things I had to do. For a long time I resisted the relationship of becoming such a big part of who I am. It was his words: “you don’t have to do this alone anymore” that turned me. I allowed myself to fall in. Except now giving up on this dream is actually the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I work 3 different jobs, I work out, I spend time with my friends (be it less while I was with him), he never was my entire life. He was a big part of my life that I chose to make a priority. Was that a mistake, to make our relationship a priority?
It was interesting that in the 17 days he was away I was enjoying my time alone. I reverted back to my routine, to my single girl days. And I liked it. I was ok if he decided to stay longer. I missed him but I didn’t MISS him, no cry in the corner that he is not here type thing. I knew he was coming home soon, and I was ok to live my life. I didn’t feel a void of him not being here. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t miss him as much as I thought I should, but I also don’t believe one person should be the end all of your life. He said that he knew he didn’t love me because he didn’t feel that ‘void’ during our time apart. I love him but there was no void for me either.
In the last few days, several friends have told me that they had not seen me as happy as I was when he was thousands of miles away. Apparently I was ‘glowing’ and smiling a lot more. I thought I was feeling good because I was seeing hope that things between us were getting better, but now I don’t know. Was I happy because I was doing the things that made me so content and comfortable before him?
Time. It’s funny because that is all I hear right now. With time everything gets better. Yes I agree. I wish I was on the other side of the tunnel. I know that the nausea I feel when I think about life right now will go away. I know I will stop having to give myself a pep talk before I try to force down food. I know that it won’t take me five hours to eat a bagel the next time I try to eat one or 45 minutes to eat a bowl of oatmeal. Tomorrow morning it may take me only 40 minutes.
A big part of me wishes I never met him. If I never met him or let this relationship happen I will not be feeling like this right now. I will not be in this excruciating physical and emotional pain.
But also, I would have never experienced the happiness I had with him. I wouldn’t have grown into the person I am today. He helped me pull out of the head spin I was in and calm down. He helped me stay calm and prioritize instead of doing everything at once. He helped me relax. He showed me that I can love. He showed me how to be in a strong, healthy relationship again. How to stop the head games, manipulation and play of dating instead focus on a simple clean relationship. He showed me what to expect from a relationship. I learned that when I am with the right person, I am loyal, I am caring, and I am capable of treating him like a King. Now, I know what I want and most importantly what I need.
Part of me will hold on to the fact that I love him and feel like he is my soul mate. That part of me will forever hold on to the fact that he felt the same about me. I want that part to exist, because I want to know that I never gave up, no matter what happens in the future.
I just wish that he stayed in love with me.
I am scared that I will never trust again. I managed to gain the trust in myself to love, and not be scared of falling out of love again. And now, the opposite has happened of my worst fear, he stopped loving me. How do I trust a man to tell me that he loves me and then a few days later turn around and stop? How do I trust again, not only myself but also the other person? I know I will put one foot in front of the other and move on. Life will calm down. But I know that I will not let myself love like this again. I will never let myself fall this hard again. This makes me even sadder, because I would love to feel the love I have for him again. And yet this experience will close me down. This pain will leave scars all over me, visible scars, and I cannot do anything to prevent that from happening. This was the first time I have had my heart broken and it will be the last.
Thank you for making me the happiest girl in the world for the past year and I love you. I want you to be happy and find what you are looking for and for it to last a life time.